do you ever think about all the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you’d taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread aisle at the supermarket? all the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead you’ll never know them. the unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me. think of how many times i might have died if i’d made different choices. maybe i’d be homeless. maybe i’d be famous. maybe i’d be rich. sometimes i’m so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that i can’t choose anything at all because i’m afraid today will be the day that i make the choice that changes everything.
It’s scary how people leave scars on you; how certain people will never really vanish from the thoughts in your mind. I mean, I don’t think I will ever get over you. It’s not that I’m sad about us; but, sometimes in the middle of the day, out of nowhere, I hear your sentence quoted. I hear one of your phrases, loud in my mind, and I feel the way it goes all the way down to my heart again, destroying me like a tsunami. It overcomes you slowly. It’s like I get thrown back into the sea, and waves of my thoughts are crashing over me. I don’t know how I am supposed to get over a person, and you don’t have to. You can still cry after months about it. Even when you’re married and endlessly happy with that person, you should be able to cry about your first love. Not because you’re still in love with them, even if a little part still is, but because you will always love what you once loved. You learn to understand it. With every new moment and experience in your life, you start to understand, piece by piece, what was happening back then.
I decided on you, don’t you get that? I decided on you. I don’t want to go fucking other people and then walk around feeling thrilled and then sad, or empty, or whatever. I like the smell of your hair, and I like the sound of your voice, and I fucking decided on you.
